The last two days have been rough: my anxiety was high, my brain was short-circuiting, tears have been running — on and off. Every little thing would set off a lightning storm in my head. I could feel my fingers going numb. All I could think was “This isn’t supposed to happen, I did everything right. Why do I still feel like I’m crashing?”
The thought of making art or doing anything art-related (picking up a pencil, making a sketch, looking at references, thinking about art in any shape or form) gives me anxiety. It makes me feel sick. Which is weird because I never thought I’d ever feel this way about art. I’ve worked so hard to make art my safe haven. I put my art on a shelf away from everything else in my life so that it stays as my sanctuary.
But now, just writing this out makes me feel angry. It makes me want to rip my skin off. I told myself that I wouldn’t make my art my business. It ruins the fun of creating. And yet, here I am – throwing hypothetical china against the walls at the mere mention of the word “draw”.
Have I ruined my relationship with art? Did I sabotage myself again? Do I even want to know the answer to that?
Then again, these could just be feelings. Intrusive thoughts. I’ll let them pass. I could never full-on give up on art. I’m probably just feeling burnt out from trying to make money from it.
I’m still not entirely okay. But that’s okay. I’m here and writing. I’m writing on the off chance someone else is feeling this too.
I want to be there for you: if you too, are not feeling okay. Know that this doesn’t last forever. It will be alright. Just take it a day at a time.